Sunday, December 26, 2010

worthless blog

some blogs have many followers, some even make money, some are updated daily, some accomplish great things like telling the story of someone cooking everything in a cook book or following famous people around. mine is just a lazy good for nothing freeloader, kind of like my cats only worse. it just sits there molding away and collecting dust. it rarely has a story about the family to tell, it rarely has photos to share. it sometimes goes months without an update. I may have to break up with it. I was thinking of starting a new blog, one with lots of followers and tons of photos, one that is updated regularly and shares interesting insight into some complicated project. or even a golden goose of a blog that makes me money oh how sweet it would be. (pause for a day dream)

so consider yourself on thin ice moldy blog, dust yourself off and start pulling your weight or you will be out on the street. I'm sick of the way you carelessly leave my readers wanting more and share no insight or photos. this is the last time i will give you a free warning, its shape up or ship out. and I'll tell you this... my next blog will be way more snazy with decorations and fancy colors, well placed photos with captions, fancy stories of my heroic actions and triple digit followers. it will love me and my readers will feel satisfied with the wonderful updates and completely mezmorized by the magic beauty and colors the fancy shapes outlying the edges. it will be way funny and whitty. it will laugh with me and cry with me and dance in a medow of golden daffadills. AND IT WILL HAVE CORECT SPELLING AND GRAMMAR AND PUNTUATION. (hero walks out and slams the door, blog cries softly to itself. lights fade slowly, run end credits. commercial)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the week in review

got home from disneyland saturday and took a break saturday and sunday, it was lovely to get off my feet for a bit. got the crew organized monday and out working and got work caught up. worked on my shed for several hours on monday and tuesday. hope to get the roof on and finish it this week. also pounded out over three thousand words on my book and its now just 51 words shy of 53000. it has been a ton of fun to write so far and I am really excited about the new stuff I have down. Heidi has been busy helping everybody every where she goes ever since we got home. and max now loves to read. of course the new deal of twenty min reading equals twenty min on the video game may be helping him love it. also got my new rc helicopter and I still have no idea who moe is.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Disneyland was awesome

Heidi and I took a trip to California all by ourselves, we hit Disneyland and California adventure and the beach and some surf shops. it was a killer cool trip. Max stayed with grandma and grandpa Christiansen so our time was not dictated by a small person with a small tummy, small bladder and short legs. we hit whatever ride we wanted as many times as we wanted, ate what we wanted when we wanted and hit the restroom when it was convenient rather than an emergency.
Tuesday we had a magic morning and got in early, we did space mountain three times in a row first thing. space mountain is my favorite ride, we also did screamin like ten times. thats my second favorite. the longest line was probably about a half hour so not too big of a deal. small world was the longest line. all in all it was a ton of fun and i would do it again but I missed max so not too soon. when he's a little bigger i'm sure we will go more often.
Kristi and Jer met us for Friday and brought Hyrum, he was a trooper and not too needy but it still changed the dynamics to have a kid around. there were a couple rides he didn't want to do but he did them anyway, way to go Hyrum.
Small world 1
space mountain 6
matterhorn 3
thundermountain 3
haunted mansion 2
peter pan 1
tea cups 1
story book 1
splash mountain 1
indiana jones 2
jungle cruise 1
Pinocchio 1
pirates 3

california screamin 8
ferris wheel 2
swings 2
zephir 1
ill add any more i remember

Sunday, October 17, 2010

new shoes

I love my new shoes! I have, over the last few months, been expieriancing leg pain and over the past few weeks some intense knee pain finally followed by extreme foot pain.To say the least it sucked. I remembered that when I used to frame I didn't have trouble like that and I had a tool belt with like 30 lbs in it and on my feet for nearly ten hours a day. I wore merril boots at the time and decided to try another pair of merrils. In the first few hours the pain in my legs, feet and knees was gone. I love it. i was so excited I jumped on the treadmill and ran a mile, it felt great to move my fat self in an exercise type motion. I look forward to tomorrow which will be a full day of merril wearing. I bought them at cabellas for 109 and highly recomend to anyone with pain or loss of energy to try spending more than 20 bucks on shoes and see how you feel.

Saturday, October 2, 2010


I invented a new game, its awesome so listen up. its a cross between soccer and rugby, its played with a soccer ball and soccer nets, they may need to be smaller. to score you have to kick it into the net. no there is no goalie so feel free to kick away. You can carry the ball but it is legal to tackle if the ball is in your hands. you can not pick the ball up, it has to be kicked up. you have to have both hands on the ball while holding it or throwing it. All players must be within half the field of the ball so no goal tending or cherry picking. after playing I may decide on a time limit for holding the ball. to start the game the ref tosses the ball into a circle of players in the center of the field kind of like hockey but with feet instead of sticks. if you are tackled and still hold the ball just get up and run again, if you tackle and knock the ball away its yours if you can get it.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

its called a GPS.

People are great and I think everyone should know a few, but there is one thing they do that makes me more than a little insane. It's when they call for directions and give you their location as "I'm next to a stop sign, I can see some cows in a field." Or "I just passed a big gray building." This no longer helps as it may have 60 years ago since we now have several places where there are both stop signs and cows and we now have multiple gray buildings in any given city. Of course 60 years ago we didn't have cell phones to call people to tell them where you are. The worst is when they interrupt you telling them how to get where they need to be to announce more cows or another field. I sometimes will get the more precise location of "I'm on the corner of 600 west and 300 north." Then I ask, "Of what city." The reply to which is, "I don't know." How can I possibly give you directions to where you want to be when you don't know what city you are in?! "Well I got off at this exit and went this direction for a while then I turned at the church and then turned at the walmart." Again this would be fine if there was only one church or walmart per every sixty miles but our need for fairly priced nick knacks has caused an infestation of walmarts and well I do live in Utah so there is a church on every other corner.
To me, the concept that I can pay 80 bucks and have a device in my car that lets me know where I am at all times and gives me clear directions of how to reach a destination, well I think its heaven sent. How does it know I often ask myself. Of course it isn't always correct and you need to exercise good judgment when using it, but in my opinion well worth the money and everyone should own one and know how to use it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

number one worst way to die

Lisa wanted me to finish my list so here it goes.

running through the woods trying to get away from a vampire you trip and fall down a steep hill, as you tumble you see a sharp spike sticking out of the ground that you are hopelessly heading straight at. despite your efforts to move one way or the other the shape of the hill keeps funneling you straight at it. finally you accept the fat that it will impel you and the vampire will find you and you will be stuck on a stick while a vampire sucks your blood like a little shishkabob. you close your eyes and wait for the impact. you finally come to rest and open one eye to view the damage and notice you missed the stick by only an inch. you look up to the top of the hill and see the vampire looking around for you. you hold still and watch, you realize he can not see you and hold still and wait. after a few moments he gives up and leaves. you realize you are lost in the forest, the hill is too steep and muddy to climb and the temperature is dropping you know it will be below freezing and you begin to look for shelter. you end up stacking sticks and branches against a log and crawling under it. there is enough room for a small fire in the hut so you gather small material for a fire. once you have it all together you lite it with your lighter and start to warm your self. then you here the vampire walking around so you know you have to put out the fire, there is nothing you can use and he is getting closer so you sit on the fire. it burns and the pain is incredible but you keep quite and watch as he walks right by your front door and does not notice your hut. you watch as he sits on the log and you can hear him sniffing, he sits and sniffs for a couple hours, you are cold, wet, muddy with burned buns. spiders start to wander into your hut and climb on you but you can't move, they climb all over you and you fell several bites. finally the vampire leaves. you wait another hour before you finally relax and start to move. you pull your lighter out to start the fire and it wont light. you start to rub sticks together but your hands are so cold they are numb and its difficult to feel what you are doing. after an hour or so your finally get a fire started. you start to warm up just as the sun comes up. you wander out of your hut and look around. about fifty yards from your camp you see a small farm house. you rush to the house and bang on the door. an old farmer meets you at the door with a shot gun. you tell him you were lost in the forest and he finally lets you in. he gives you a ride back to town and you wright a book about that night in the forest. everyone loves the story and hollywood is calling for the movie rights. then one day you are at a book signing and look up to see the first person in line is the vampire. you jump up and run as fast as you can to get away, as you run across a golf course you are hit by a line drive and knocked unconscious. they pick you up in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital there is a massive accident and you break nearly every bone in your body. as you lay in the hospital with every limb in a cast and completely tied up the doctor walks in looking at his clipboard. he lowers the clip board and you can see his face. its the vampire! the end

Sunday, April 18, 2010

my favorite toy from the 80's

I will start by telling a story that got me onto this thing again. Heidi and I were talking about something in the kitchen and max came and asked me to pull the arms off of one of my star wars lego guys. I was a little bugged and said no I don't want those taken apart go put the legs back on it. he then tells me that he as already taken some of the other ones apart. i said put them back together i don't want the parts lost. he then says "I don't know how." at this point i am a bit more bugged and I call out as he walks away "Don't take stuff apart you cant put back together." (not only hypocritical but dumb as every one knows little boys need to take things apart and leave pieces everywhere how else will they learn to do the same with a car later on) well my advise throws me into a flash back of the eighties. I had this toy, well it was THE COOLEST TOY EVER! the milton bradly Big Trak. it was a space like tank with a blue photon laser canon. it had six wheels and you programed in instructions then it would indicate it understood the commands and execute them then indicate it had completed the instructions with the same series of beeps. well mine stopped working and I took it all apart and could not fix it or get it back together. it was probably just batteries but i really wanted to see how it worked. needles to say it never worked again. thinking of it nearly made me cry.
i started to search ebay and the web to find one again and found video of them and the sounds were like this crazy warm fuzzy flash back of everything good that happened as a child.
I am proud to say that 2 from ebay are coming my way and I greatly look forward to photon laser canon fights with max in the kitchen. I have also made a new rule. any american boy should have a big trak for a proper child hood. luckily for all you who wish for a proper upbringing of a son they will be reproducing the big trak and they will be available this summer. they will also be making the big trak jr.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


i have never, that i know of, had a hallucination. however i hope that if i do have one where i am in the shower and in reality i am in a crowded room of people that the hallucination continues until i am home and fully dressed. yikes that would be awkward. especially if you knew the people. it would be better i think to happen at grand central station instead of at a family reunion or the like.

still working on my book

i am nearly 30000 words into this now and have decided on a semi major rewrite. just gotta change some stuff up a bit but shouldn't be too hard. i was thinking when this is done i may do a series on an emo chick who sits in her room by herself all the time but loves this way older stocker type who sneaks into her room to watch her while she sleeps in her undies. he does it in the name of protection and even though his love and friendship could be the end of her life they share an unquenchable lust for one another. even when his friends and associates nearly kill her they can't stay away from each other. she has a really good friend who is lots of fun and likes her a lot but he doesnt watche her in her sleep so its a no go for sure. in the end she throws her life away to become more like him. its a real tear jerker i think everyone will like it.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

snaz it up

its time to snaz up this blog. i been meaning to get it done for a while but have not made it happen yet. i need some suggestions on where to find blog dresses that will fit my figure and style. hip, awesome and hot are some of the words i hear from groups of people i walk past so my blog dress needs to fit this criteria as well. so if anyone has a link to such an awesome site that would be sweet. i did a search for ugliest blog on the block and did not find what i was looking for. it really seems like that would be a real site so not sure what the crap is going on.
oh and some household news; i walked in my house today and could smell cat so out they went into the garage. the mother cat was a bit confused. i think she thought that since she had some "cute" kids she was now allowed to live inside. she was mistaken and i kicked her promiscuous little hind end to the garage. we put a small heater out there and built a little tent to hold the heat in so the kittens don't get too cold. i named them fry sauce and pepper but was out voted and they will probably end up with lame names like cuddles and smoochie or some barf crap like that.

moldy blog take over

i have been working on this list of top ten worst ways to die. its a little gruesome and a little funny slash weird. its been an odd exercise of writing. i will soon be finished with it and move on. sorry to anyone who was grossed out by it. it was meant to make you cringe and laugh at the same time.

i recently took up a new hobby. i have been posting on someone else's blog. they have no idea yet. it makes me laugh because i post in the comments and so no one reads it. well i read it and it is funny to me. i was thinking of trying to figure out their password and make real posts but then everyone who is a follower will know about it so i am keeping it my secret... well until now and i told 14 people. its been good times for sure. i like to post the news that is going on in their life that they have forgotten to put up. anyway i may start looking for more moldy blogs to hi jack once they get wind of it.

number 2

this one max came up with on his own. the funny thing, he didn't know I was doing this list, he had not heard anyone talking about this kind of stuff or anything. he just was sitting in the back seat of the car and started talking. its short but sweet.

you are looking at the sun for a long time and go blind then you are cutting down a tree with a chainsaw and slip and cut your stomach and all your guts come out. the end

Saturday, March 20, 2010

number 3

you are coming home late from work. your car dies on the highway in the woods. no cell tower near you, you hike back to town and buy a battery. walking back to the car carrying the battery and you see someone jumping your car to steal it. you start to run and trip and fall over the guard rail and off a cliff. you lay there with broken bones and can't move. the battery is on top of you and leaking acid all over you. as it eats your flesh, in the distance you can hear some campers listening to music loudly. they keep playing songs from the police and rod stewart. the end

number 4

you are alone for the weekend, you are doing the dishes and your wedding ring slips off and falls down the disposal. you reach in to get it and while fishing around your other hand hits the switch and it grinds your hand up. you can barely move from the blood loss. there is a big hail and wind storm and you hear something crash through the basement window. a few hours later you are laying on the floor trying to get the streangth to get to a phone. you reach the phone and find the lines are dead. a family of killer quail has found the open window and come in for shelter. they have just been bitten by vampire frogs and they finish the transformation in your basement then come up stairs attracted by the scent of blood. you are lying on the floor watching viscous killer vampire quail coming over the top stair. the end.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

top ten worst ways to die.

number 10
you get into a grizzly car accident with a grizzly bear, she dies but her young start eating you. you go into a comma and are out for eleven years. you wake up and your spouse has fallen in love with the doctor and they are making out in your room. the nurse comes in and gives you the bill, you go to grab it but the grizzlies ate your arm. then the doctor slips you something and you go back into a comma but you can hear everything people say. you learn there are no more pigs which means no more bacon. everybody is talking about turkey bacon and how they can't tell the difference. you go crazy trying to yell at them. then you hear the doctor and your spouse plotting your murder and it involves poison injected with a needle into your eye. the end.

number 9
you are out sport fishing with your long lost uncle, you find out he is crazy rich and he wants to leave his money to you. he is very sick and will die soon. you stand up to get another drink and slip and fall on the knife you have been using to cut up bait, you are all cut up and bleeding. you get dizzy from the site of the blood, you trip and fall into the water and get all tangled up in some ropes. then you see great white sharks coming at you. all of a sudden an alien ship puts a tractor beam on your boat and starts to drag it out to the ocean, you get dragged behind the boat moving at a high rate of speed and sharks are following you, you can see them getting closer and closer. one grabs you just as the alien's beam you aboard. they decide to do an autopsy but get confused because you have a shark on your head they inject the shark with poison and kill it but start cutting you up, they pull all your guts out then the lunch bell rings and they all go on break you lay there with a shark on your head and your guts on the table till you die. the end

number 8
you are flying a plane and some kid with a pellet gun shoots at you during take off and you don't notice the leak in the fuel tank. you get over the desert and see some people stranded, they shoot a flare up to signal you and it catches the stream of fuel on fire and you watch it as it comes closer to the plane. you jump out thinking it will explode then the fire goes out and you watch the plane fly away safely. the people who are stranded come running up. they are so hungry they try to eat you. you smack them off with your shoes but can't get to sleep that night because they keep watching you holding forks and knives and napkins tucked in their shirts. the next day you get a really bad sunburn trying to get away from them. you get lost then find shade and try to sleep. you wake up to find your pillow is a baby Sasquatch and his mom is crazy mad at you, she beats you with a stick and leaves you for dead. you wake up to see a scorpion sitting on your chest. it stings you and you can't move. in the distance you see the cannibals looking for you. the end.

number 7
you are playing baseball as a major league pro. you just signed a multi million dollar contract. you are stealing second base and catch a line drive to the head. you're dizzy and don't know what way is up. suddenly there is an earth quake and you are swallowed up by the earth. you start digging to get out but you are digging the wrong way and dig to the center of the earth. you get to the middle and fall into a huge cave with a lake of molten lava. you are screaming and screaming as you burn then notice giant vampire moles coming out of their caves followed by millions of foot long cockroaches. the end

number 6
you have a popular late show on tv. the network decides to give you a better time slot. then you realize you work for nbc. the end

number 5
you are an alien. you and a bunch of buddies decide to fly down to earth with some boards and ropes and do some crop circles with your prom dates. the limo ufo drops you off and then runs to fuel up while you do the crop circles. his gps (galaxy positioning system) is out of whack and he runs into the moon. you are stranded with your prom dates on an alien planet with no dinner. you hear farmer joe coming with dogs and a big shot gun. you all run for the hills, you find a cave and run inside and hide. its cold and dark and your date is complaining. the next morning a bunch of guys in camouflage armed with guns catch you. they load you into a truck and throw a tarp over it. you are taken to a big building surrounded by tanks and helicopters and guys with guns. you are held there for days. you can see your date in the next room and your buddy is hitting on her. you find out your dad has been looking for you and threatened to blow up the earth unless you are released. they all say they are sorry and give you some ice cream. its peanut butter and you don't know you are allergic to peanuts, you fall on the floor and your buddy runs up to ask if its ok to switch you dates, you realize your about to die and don't have time to kick the crap out of him. the end

the rest will be up later...


our little adopted cat is living a lifestyle that we do not teach in our home and the result of it is two new kittens. the looser no job father has not been seen for weeks and I am sure she will be wanting me to pay for her two little furry illegitimate children. i saved her little abandon butt from an apartment and this is how she repays me?! max and heidi are smitten by the little fur-balls and have had a bunch of visitors over to see the little wretches. i'm sure the cat is just loving all the attention and thinks this is a great way to get what she wants. "hey if i'm not getting the love i need i'll just pop out a litter of kittens and everybody will be all over me, with food and treats and petting and electric heaters." she is such a little plotter. if she insists on living such a lifestyle I will require she be fixed. i don't want to turn into the cat lady or some weird crap like that. ok so i set up the electric heater and i was the one who kept checking the box to see why she wouldn't leave it the past couple days. and i was the one who found the little guys and they are cute but i'm not gonna get suckered into her little attention trap!
(i'll post photos later.)

Sunday, March 7, 2010

attitude adjustment

before i start this post i want to first say this is not a feel sorry for me or any such, i just realized some things today and thought i would put them up. life has been going pretty well for us but we recently hit a few bumps. the furnace started acting up and had to be replaced, then all three cars check engine lights came on, well one a while ago but the other two joined in the party and last night we found a leaking pipe threatening to drop the basement ceiling and some interesting mold.
at one point i expressed some frustration with a bad attitude it was about 30 seconds long and i realized it was all just a test and that so far i was failing. i decided to get my attitude back in line and think of things a different way. i bet the pioneers would love to have my two trucks with check engine lights on. they would be amazed at what could be done with a rough running truck even if it only lasted till the tank went empty. thank goodness i have a furnace to act up and at least it wasn't the water heater too. and we found the leak and its in a pretty accessible spot where i wont have to pull down the drywall and at least its clean water not sewage. and i bet there are people in hati and chili or any number of places on earth that would love to trade for my troubles so i better stop whining like a spoiled brat and be glad I have the tools and know how to fix my own junk.
we got a great deal on a furnace and i replaced it my self, it was kind of fun and a bit of a pain in the rear. one truck probably just needs new spark plugs and i know how to do that. the other probably needs an oil change or other scheduled maintenance and the car needs a new cam censer and that will be less then 200 bucks (first quote was 600+)i can fix the pipe for a few bucks and a couple slivers, i handle mold all the time so no biggie. at the end of it my wife will think i'm a super hero and she will probably jump into my arms and kiss me on the mouth so it comes out pretty positive really.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

my crawler

this is the crawler I just finished building and then went out and broke. stupid tree!
coah put the video together for me.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

keeping it light

I decided to remove my last post to keep the blog light hearted and free of debate.
thanks for understanding.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

valentine card shopping

shopping for a valentines day card is an awkward experience for a man and must be done every year. this year I found myself at a local grocery store. I was looking for the greeting card section like a lost child. Just when i was about to throw down all my defences and ask for directions, I finally located it only to find there were no valentines day cards on the rack. I looked around to see where they would have moved them to and saw another man walking briskly to the section I was standing in front of. He had a disappointing look on his face once he made the same discovery as me. I walked to the back of the card isle and jackpot. the other man found the back side of the card stand as well walking the other direction around the isle. once we had both found what we had been searching for the awkwardness began. He has clearly recognized that I am a manly warrior type and now he is watching me look at pink and red cards with frillies on them. I must search through this rack of lovey dovey cards while he watches, he sees me pick up read and place back various cards and knows what it is i am reading. it isn't how to sharpen a knife, clean a rifle or rebuild a transmission its- i love you and kissy kissy kissy. he can't pick up the same card that i rejected or he will be showing some weird weakness, he also can't choose the same card I have chosen for the same reason and the same is true for me. it was in this awkward search that i suddenly found myself surrounded by four other men now looking for the right card to show their soft loving side to their wife while strong manly men look on. the awkwardness has just been compounded. I was lucky enough to find a good card with love and humor tucked behind a sign and make a quick escape without making eye contact. I had made such a quick decision that i could see other men reaching for the same card with some kind of wonder as to how good it must have been to make me choose and leave so quickly. ugh! I think valentines cards or tampons are about sixes for a guy to go pick up. actually I take that back tampons are easier. at least in the tampon isle the women are like wow what a guy to pick up tampons and they are impressed. in the valentine card isle no one is impressed.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


sometimes after a bacon double cheese burger i feel like i'm the worst vegetarian in the world, then i remember i'm not a vegetarian and i celebrate with a salami. mmmm stick o meat!