Sunday, June 6, 2010

its called a GPS.

People are great and I think everyone should know a few, but there is one thing they do that makes me more than a little insane. It's when they call for directions and give you their location as "I'm next to a stop sign, I can see some cows in a field." Or "I just passed a big gray building." This no longer helps as it may have 60 years ago since we now have several places where there are both stop signs and cows and we now have multiple gray buildings in any given city. Of course 60 years ago we didn't have cell phones to call people to tell them where you are. The worst is when they interrupt you telling them how to get where they need to be to announce more cows or another field. I sometimes will get the more precise location of "I'm on the corner of 600 west and 300 north." Then I ask, "Of what city." The reply to which is, "I don't know." How can I possibly give you directions to where you want to be when you don't know what city you are in?! "Well I got off at this exit and went this direction for a while then I turned at the church and then turned at the walmart." Again this would be fine if there was only one church or walmart per every sixty miles but our need for fairly priced nick knacks has caused an infestation of walmarts and well I do live in Utah so there is a church on every other corner.
To me, the concept that I can pay 80 bucks and have a device in my car that lets me know where I am at all times and gives me clear directions of how to reach a destination, well I think its heaven sent. How does it know I often ask myself. Of course it isn't always correct and you need to exercise good judgment when using it, but in my opinion well worth the money and everyone should own one and know how to use it.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

number one worst way to die

Lisa wanted me to finish my list so here it goes.

running through the woods trying to get away from a vampire you trip and fall down a steep hill, as you tumble you see a sharp spike sticking out of the ground that you are hopelessly heading straight at. despite your efforts to move one way or the other the shape of the hill keeps funneling you straight at it. finally you accept the fat that it will impel you and the vampire will find you and you will be stuck on a stick while a vampire sucks your blood like a little shishkabob. you close your eyes and wait for the impact. you finally come to rest and open one eye to view the damage and notice you missed the stick by only an inch. you look up to the top of the hill and see the vampire looking around for you. you hold still and watch, you realize he can not see you and hold still and wait. after a few moments he gives up and leaves. you realize you are lost in the forest, the hill is too steep and muddy to climb and the temperature is dropping you know it will be below freezing and you begin to look for shelter. you end up stacking sticks and branches against a log and crawling under it. there is enough room for a small fire in the hut so you gather small material for a fire. once you have it all together you lite it with your lighter and start to warm your self. then you here the vampire walking around so you know you have to put out the fire, there is nothing you can use and he is getting closer so you sit on the fire. it burns and the pain is incredible but you keep quite and watch as he walks right by your front door and does not notice your hut. you watch as he sits on the log and you can hear him sniffing, he sits and sniffs for a couple hours, you are cold, wet, muddy with burned buns. spiders start to wander into your hut and climb on you but you can't move, they climb all over you and you fell several bites. finally the vampire leaves. you wait another hour before you finally relax and start to move. you pull your lighter out to start the fire and it wont light. you start to rub sticks together but your hands are so cold they are numb and its difficult to feel what you are doing. after an hour or so your finally get a fire started. you start to warm up just as the sun comes up. you wander out of your hut and look around. about fifty yards from your camp you see a small farm house. you rush to the house and bang on the door. an old farmer meets you at the door with a shot gun. you tell him you were lost in the forest and he finally lets you in. he gives you a ride back to town and you wright a book about that night in the forest. everyone loves the story and hollywood is calling for the movie rights. then one day you are at a book signing and look up to see the first person in line is the vampire. you jump up and run as fast as you can to get away, as you run across a golf course you are hit by a line drive and knocked unconscious. they pick you up in an ambulance and on the way to the hospital there is a massive accident and you break nearly every bone in your body. as you lay in the hospital with every limb in a cast and completely tied up the doctor walks in looking at his clipboard. he lowers the clip board and you can see his face. its the vampire! the end