Sunday, March 14, 2010

top ten worst ways to die.

number 10
you get into a grizzly car accident with a grizzly bear, she dies but her young start eating you. you go into a comma and are out for eleven years. you wake up and your spouse has fallen in love with the doctor and they are making out in your room. the nurse comes in and gives you the bill, you go to grab it but the grizzlies ate your arm. then the doctor slips you something and you go back into a comma but you can hear everything people say. you learn there are no more pigs which means no more bacon. everybody is talking about turkey bacon and how they can't tell the difference. you go crazy trying to yell at them. then you hear the doctor and your spouse plotting your murder and it involves poison injected with a needle into your eye. the end.

number 9
you are out sport fishing with your long lost uncle, you find out he is crazy rich and he wants to leave his money to you. he is very sick and will die soon. you stand up to get another drink and slip and fall on the knife you have been using to cut up bait, you are all cut up and bleeding. you get dizzy from the site of the blood, you trip and fall into the water and get all tangled up in some ropes. then you see great white sharks coming at you. all of a sudden an alien ship puts a tractor beam on your boat and starts to drag it out to the ocean, you get dragged behind the boat moving at a high rate of speed and sharks are following you, you can see them getting closer and closer. one grabs you just as the alien's beam you aboard. they decide to do an autopsy but get confused because you have a shark on your head they inject the shark with poison and kill it but start cutting you up, they pull all your guts out then the lunch bell rings and they all go on break you lay there with a shark on your head and your guts on the table till you die. the end

number 8
you are flying a plane and some kid with a pellet gun shoots at you during take off and you don't notice the leak in the fuel tank. you get over the desert and see some people stranded, they shoot a flare up to signal you and it catches the stream of fuel on fire and you watch it as it comes closer to the plane. you jump out thinking it will explode then the fire goes out and you watch the plane fly away safely. the people who are stranded come running up. they are so hungry they try to eat you. you smack them off with your shoes but can't get to sleep that night because they keep watching you holding forks and knives and napkins tucked in their shirts. the next day you get a really bad sunburn trying to get away from them. you get lost then find shade and try to sleep. you wake up to find your pillow is a baby Sasquatch and his mom is crazy mad at you, she beats you with a stick and leaves you for dead. you wake up to see a scorpion sitting on your chest. it stings you and you can't move. in the distance you see the cannibals looking for you. the end.

number 7
you are playing baseball as a major league pro. you just signed a multi million dollar contract. you are stealing second base and catch a line drive to the head. you're dizzy and don't know what way is up. suddenly there is an earth quake and you are swallowed up by the earth. you start digging to get out but you are digging the wrong way and dig to the center of the earth. you get to the middle and fall into a huge cave with a lake of molten lava. you are screaming and screaming as you burn then notice giant vampire moles coming out of their caves followed by millions of foot long cockroaches. the end

number 6
you have a popular late show on tv. the network decides to give you a better time slot. then you realize you work for nbc. the end

number 5
you are an alien. you and a bunch of buddies decide to fly down to earth with some boards and ropes and do some crop circles with your prom dates. the limo ufo drops you off and then runs to fuel up while you do the crop circles. his gps (galaxy positioning system) is out of whack and he runs into the moon. you are stranded with your prom dates on an alien planet with no dinner. you hear farmer joe coming with dogs and a big shot gun. you all run for the hills, you find a cave and run inside and hide. its cold and dark and your date is complaining. the next morning a bunch of guys in camouflage armed with guns catch you. they load you into a truck and throw a tarp over it. you are taken to a big building surrounded by tanks and helicopters and guys with guns. you are held there for days. you can see your date in the next room and your buddy is hitting on her. you find out your dad has been looking for you and threatened to blow up the earth unless you are released. they all say they are sorry and give you some ice cream. its peanut butter and you don't know you are allergic to peanuts, you fall on the floor and your buddy runs up to ask if its ok to switch you dates, you realize your about to die and don't have time to kick the crap out of him. the end

the rest will be up later...


Kristi said...

I think number 8 disturbed me the most. But they're all pretty bad ways to die.

Tams said...

You're crazy! Lovely... but crazy! :)